Heart Squeeze

There is nothing easy about parenting.   Parenting full time.  Parenting part time.  Parenting together.  Parenting apart.  Parenting one.  Parenting multiples.  Parenting from a sick bed or by a sick bed. Parenting with lots of resources.  Parenting with no resources at all.  Every variety of parenting brings its own challenges. 

I am currently facing the relatively minor but heart-wrenching challenge of "full-time working mom returning from maternity leave."  Last week, I had to send my newest baby to daycare for the first time.  I had a migraine the day before I sent him.  I cried when I walked through the door to his classroom.  It took every bit of resolve I had that week to stay at my desk at work.  Every bit.  If I didn't absolutely have to keep my job, I would have quit on the spot.  Unceremoniously.  Without consulting my husband or even taking a night to sleep on it.

I'm not sure if I would make a good stay at home mom.   Right now, I don't have to decide.  What I know for certain is that, while I am at work, I am missing out on something precious that I am not going to get back. When I pick my babies up from daycare and we spend their last waking hours together, all of us exhausted and none of us at our best, my heart literally aches for what wasn't in our day.

But even though my days right now can't be full of tiny hugs, noisy tantrums, and physical closeness with my children --- they are full of love, so much love.  There is love in the chaotic morning rush out the door.  There is love in the dropping off at daycare.  There is love in the discipline of going into work.  There is love in the staying on task once there.  There is love in the eating of cheap sandwiches hastily constructed from home.  There is love in the hurried emails to my spouse about bills, schedules, and things we can't change.  There is love in the picking up at daycare.  There is love in the tired and hungry cries in the car.  There is love in the toddler meltdowns at supper, bath, and bed time.  There is love in the tucking in, and there is love in the midnight checks.  There is even love in the angry, 3 AM jabs at my snoozing husband.

Parenting isn't easy, and my version doesn't often look the way I imagined it.   I can't always do what I think is best for my children.  Sometimes I have to settle for good enough and pray for grace to intercede.  But --- those less than ideal circumstances give me the opportunity to perfect love in a purposeful, though sometimes painful, way.   And - at the end of the day - that is probably what my children need most of all.