Uphill Climb

Some days
Some weeks
Some years
It is all uphill
on a sputtering
volcano
without
any shoes.

At first
Days,
Weeks,
Years
Like that
Are mostly O.K.

"I'm learning a lot!"
You say,
optimistically -
sure that everything
will work out
in the end.

And then,
you get tired
of all this learning.
You just want
things to be like
they were . . .
never mind that you
didn't like the way things were
when you were there.

So you get angry.
You pout and kick and
scream and stomp
and wonder
"Why am I here?"
You start sentences
in your head like:
"If God really loved me . . ."
And then you stop the
blasphemy - but you
kind of wonder.

Then you realize that your
attitude is all wrong.
God does love you!
He wants something
better for you then you could have
planned for yourself.
That's why you are
going through all of this!
So - you make up your
mind to blaze forward
harder, braver, with more
effort and enthusiasm.
God must want you here, right?
I mean - you're here.  So this must
be the right place.  Right?

You get up in the morning
and you chant "Persevere!
Persevere!  Persevere!"
You drink your morning coffee
Your lunch coffee
Your 4 pm coffee
And your 6 pm diet coke
And you play your
"Eye of the Tiger"
- or whatever -
to give you something
to jitter to in your car.
You think great thoughts
in the shower
and at 4 am (when you are still awake
because of all that coffee)
and you are sure that
great things are
coming . . .
just around the corner.

Soon you are tired
and dehydrated
and dangerously hopeful -
and you make
a big leap,
a grand gesture,
a "Watch my perseverance
pay off!"
kind of move,
and - you fall
splickity splat flat
on your wide-eyed
face.

And you are so tired
so very, very tired
that you cry!
Right there
in front of God
and everybody (which
includes your boss
and a couple of those skeptical men
who make jokes about hormonal
women).
You replace your coffee breaks with tears
And you feel real good and sorry for yourself.
I mean, you've done everything you could do,
right?

And then you hear:
Be Still
And you think:
It can't be that simple, right?
I've been optimistic,
and mad,
and patient,
and hopeful,
and depressed.
Now you want me
to just be still?

So you try.
You try really hard.
But you're not very good at being still!
You're better at walking
uphill
on a sputtering volcano
without any shoes.

But - out of options,
you take a seat
Right where you are.
You look at the terrain
You've covered,
At the lessons you've learned,
at the hopes you've hoped
At the dreams you've dashed
And - with no other plan -
You cling to faith
And pray it intercedes.