Having It All

Today I read another blog
About whether I can ever
Truly "Have it All."
I used to say:
Hell, yes!
I can have it all!
And my career-climbing
high-achieving
testosterone-mimicking
actions reflected it.
And then I had a baby,
and learned that some aspects
of femininity cannot be denied
And I said,
With droopy eyes
(Ok - not just eyes)
And guilt-laden heart:
"Definitely not."

Now I have a toddler
And I am getting more sleep
And I say:
"It depends."
You're thinking,
"That's a cop-out!
Weak woman,
You need to take a position!"

Well, I do take a position:
And I still say:
It depends
On how you define
"All."

I think there is something
In the human heart
So bent on striving
That we find it hard to function
If we aren't in pursuit.
So - we often don't even know
A cushy destination
When we're sitting
On a plush sofa
With laundry - so much laundry! -
Strewn all around us
Watching episode after episode
Of Parks and Recreation
And laughing so hard it hurts
With our husband beside us
And our child safely, sweetly
Sleeping
In the well-appointed nursery
upstairs
(and yes, I'm just speaking generally here).

I'll go even further:
I'm a Christian
And I so desperately try
To be a good one.
I pray HARD
to be better
and read endless devotionals
and have long-winded
conversations about the direction of life
with my patient spouse.

But the truth -
the very, very difficult truth -
Is that effort in the form of
Devotional reading, philosophizing, and
effort-filled requests isn't going
To get me where I am going.
I'm already going where I am going
Because of grace!
And the effort of Another.

So the question for me
Isn't really:
Can I have it all?
The question becomes
What do I do with it All?
Because I'm pretty sure
I'm already there.