Dearest Baby of Mine:
What a joy it has been to get to know you, little one, over the past year and nine months! From those first spazzy kicks in my belly to your excited and adorable way of bouncing up and down (while always yelling and sometimes peeing) in the bathtub, you have delivered so much energy and pizazz to this world! It was a quiet and boring place before you arrived!
I know I should be writing about you, as this is YOUR birthday, but I can't help but reflect on how much you have changed me. First of all - you made me a mother! I was so afraid of this responsibility for so long, but I can barely remember being anything but a mother now. I feel like I was born to be a mother! And I love being your mom so much! Thank you for this privilege. When you hit a time in life (and you will - probably during puberty, when some girl breaks your heart, during your freshman year in college, and after a hard day's work at your first job) and you feel like you are no good and that the world would be better off without you, stop and call me! From your first moment of being, you have been a blessing. You have helped me fulfill my calling --- a calling I didn't even really know I had. Thank you, sweet son!
Second, you remind me - day in and day out - that I am not in control of you or really anything else. You were one heavy baby, and I was very excited to get you out of my tummy and into the world. To my surprise, I had tremendous separation anxiety after you were on the outside. Everywhere I looked, I saw things that could hurt you: dirty hands, the sides of your bassinet, your dad traipsing too quickly down the stairs, your own brain (what if you forgot to breathe?!), gravity . . . the list went on and on. I barely slept for the first three months of your life, afraid that something was going to take you away from me. And then - something did take you away from me: Work! Sending you to daycare was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I literally sobbed the first time I visited your classroom. Your teachers-to-be had to give me hugs! I made Daddy take you to daycare for the first six months because I could not bear to leave you (I still sometimes tear up when I leave --- how I long to spend your days with you!). I prayed and prayed and still pray for peace about leaving you. During one of my prayers, I understood God to say "Don't worry . . . I love your baby and will provide for him exactly what he needs." I wanted to trust God --- but not completely. Truthfully, part of me wanted to feel guilty about leaving you during the day because it meant that maybe - just maybe - I was in control of you. I think I wanted to believe that my choices could protect you from all evil and harm; that by holding you more I could somehow transmit my 30-years-worth of experiences into your little being so that you don't have to make my mistakes or struggle with any demons that I might inadvertently pass on to you. But sweet son - I am beginning to learn a lesson that I will struggle with for the rest of my life: I am not in control. I can chose what I feed you and expose you to, and I will try to make the very best decisions that I can. But the real stuff - the important things - are out of my hands. That is hard for a mama to swallow! But - in the meantime - the understanding that I can't make the real decisions has turned me to the One who can. Thank you for deepening my faith and relationship with our Heavenly Father. As you get older, I hope your Daddy and I can introduce you to Him in a way that is worthy, and I pray that He will mitigate our failings and inadequacies with a lifetime of mercies and blessings just for you.
Finally, you have taught me to love deeper than I understood deep to be. You are so incredibly precious to me. I cannot explain this in detail because there are no words to describe how much I love you. I pray that one day you will know this kind of love too.
I cannot wait to see your life unfold. I am anxious to know all of the details: who will your friends be? what will capture your imagination? what will you choose as a career? who will you marry? where will life take you? I am anxious to know your story, but I'm not in a hurry. In the meantime, I will delight in watching each day of your life unfold and will relish the joy of witnessing you grow into my little man.
Happy First Birthday, Baby Boy!
Love, Mama
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